Sit down at my table and ponder.
Thinking about our lives together,
I can't wait any longer.
She's the one, I'm sure.
I push my chair back,
And start to walk out.
But the sound was too big,
Before I know it, I'm on the ground.
Breathing.
But barely alive.
My limbs are torn apart,
Like razors taken to paper.
The pain burns all over.
Make it stop.
Breathing.
I taste my own blood,
And all I see is darkness.
The dizziness takes over me.
My broken body laying,
Breathing, but barely alive.
My broken hand drops the sapphire ring:
The last movement of me.
My broken mouth utters broken words,
Hoping that she hears them somehow:
The last movement of me.
I Love You.
I really like how you use a relationship and a man about to propose to a woman he loves to get across the message of how devestating suicide bombing can be. I think him dropping the ring and the last line of the poem make a big impact on the poem.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very suspenseful poem. The way you have a positive thing at the beginning that turns into something so negative gives the reader strong emotion and intense imagery. The end gives the reader hope that the girl hears the man's last words. Great use of senses.
ReplyDeleteSo powerful, and the last line, containing the words i love you, really contrasts with the hate involved in a suicide bombing. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI love how you have a whole different story line behind the situation. It makes you feel more connected to the man and makes you sympathize with him so much more. You truly captured the innonce in all lives that are lost to suicide bombings. Great discriptions of emotions Lauren.
ReplyDeleteLauren, you received some valuable comments here. I agree that the story makes the reader connect on a deeper level. I like the repetition in the last few lines - breathing, broken, last movement of me. Powerful ending! You did well with line breaks and rhythm too. Great job overall!
ReplyDelete