Walking down the street so focused on my goal
My nerves have diminished leaving a space
So empty
Gradually filling with ideas
Regrets
Like a tap filling a sink
A tunnel is all I see
I know I'm near
People rush around living yet another day
I am the one to take the rest of them
All is silent, I am deaf
Motionless
Victims walk near to me
Unknowingly
Walking toward the only mistake
They have ever made
This is a very good poem, but you might want to edit the fourth to last line. That line sounds slightly awkward. Other than that there is nothing that you should change. I like the simile between regrets and the sink.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is filled with raw emotion and i like that alot. But something to think about is at the beginning when your talking about your nerves, that line seems kinda rushed in how its not broken or have a comma. Other then that i really enjoyed it.
ReplyDelete-Olivia
This is a good poem, the initial emotions could have been more pronounced and explained I felt. Other than that Hayley I would say that this is a great visual. Sensory wise too it was cool to think of a sink and then go to the silence and deaf aspect because it really quieted things down and the reader was drawn into that motion. So good job : )
ReplyDeletewow you defenetly have a good way of putting words i like the rythm of your poem
ReplyDeleteI feel like your poem was very powerful in how you said it was their mistake that they ever made by walkin near you. And the imagery is supurb i mean i feel like im actually the bomber. the tunnel vision was a great touch as well. rich what?
ReplyDeleteI love how your poem slowly draws you in, you sort of don't completely know what it's about towards the beginning but as you continue it gets deeper and more intense. Towards the end you can really picture everything. Nicely done!
ReplyDeletei liked your poem it really made me think and i agree it does draw you in
ReplyDeleteThis poem brings so much emotion into play. It was very realistic; I felt like I was able to put my feet in the shoes of the bomber. It was great. I also loved how you used powerful words, like motionless, and put them on their own seprate line; it added so much to the overall intake of the poem.
ReplyDeleteHayley, you received some valuable comments here! Great suggestions. The only line that I would like to see changed is "I am the one to take the rest of them." It feels awkward and a bit confusing. Otherwise, great job with visual and sensory imagery. I love the last lines - chilling! We enjoyed having you in our class this semester, and I do wish you could join us for the second semester when we will be writing several creative pieces...you would do so well with that!
ReplyDelete